Academic writing is written by scholars to other scholars. In contrast, textbook writing is written for a general audience. In Unit 7, we covered drafting original content for a student audience by offering priorities and strategies for inclusive writing. Now that you have feedback on your chapter draft, you can strengthen your writing through the revision process. This is your opportunity to carefully revisit the decisions you’ve made and pull forward the most important concepts in an approachable way for students.

Our criteria for success are designed with Oregon students in mind. This means that chapter length and total minutes of media engagement meet weekly course credit hours and anticipated student workloads. Using the Course Workload Estimator from Rice University [Website], we estimate that on average, students will read about 132 words/minute. Reading speeds vary widely between students, and when content is new, reading speeds will necessarily be slower than when content is more familiar. If chapters are 10,000 words or less, and about 20 minutes total of multimedia is interspersed throughout a chapter at regular intervals, students can expect to take between 90 and 120 minutes to read a chapter. This is why one of our Accessibility criteria for success is: Total chapter engagement is scoped to 10,000 words, or no more than 90 minutes of total engagement (approximately 72 minutes of reading time + 18 minutes of required multimedia).

Back in Unit 3, you ruthlessly right-sized the scope of your book. The same principle applies to your chapter draft: more is not better when it comes to student learning. Your job as an author is to curate and shape the content so that the most important ideas you want students to learn can shine out. It’s OK if your first draft is over the student engagement target – this can become a priority for revision once you have the Developmental Editor’s feedback.

Revising for a student audience for this project means that you will aim for a reading level of grade 8 to 12. Involve the student directly by using “you” instead of “the student.” And provide multiple relatable examples. Provide even more examples than you think are necessary to increase the chance that one will connect. This addresses our Learner Focus criteria for success: Chapter anticipates learner variability (reading level: grades 8-12).

Look for passages with long lists of in-text citations that interrupt the flow of sentences or complex direct quotes. Can you take a step back and focus on concepts rather than researchers or studies? Paraphrase complicated ideas from outside sources, and if a direct quote is compelling, provide a paraphrase (“In other words, this research is saying …”) immediately afterwards.

The sections below demonstrate different revising moves you can make with a student audience in mind. Keep in mind that when you wrote your first draft, your goal was to get words on the page – you haven’t done anything wrong if you’re finding these quirks in your writing style. You’re now in the enviable position of bringing specificity, precision, accountability, and humanity to your language as you revise your chapter. This is your chance to make your writing inclusive and direct instead of formulaic.

Revising Sentences

If you received feedback that your sentences are too long, too complex, or using passive voice, look for conjugations of the verb “to be.” Find a stronger and more vivid verb and untangle your sentences by using the active voice.

Example 1:

Before: The intersectionality of race, culture, social class, ability, and gender will be examined with a special focus on healthcare, preschool access and policy, sexual development, body safety, and trauma.

After: This text examines the intersectionality of race, culture, social class, ability, and gender with a special focus on healthcare, preschool access and policy, sexual development, body safety, and trauma.

Example 2:

Before: An argument against LGBTQ+ parenting has been made that children will face bullying and harassment, either in the public arena or in court cases involving child custody.

After: Some argue that the children of LGBTQ+ parents will face bullying and harassment, either in the public arena or in court cases involving child custody.

Example 3:

Before: There is a growing recognition that incarceration has significant negative effects on the family structure, a notable point given that over half of the 2.5 million individuals incarcerated in the US are parents.

After: Recent studies show that incarceration negatively affects the family structure, a notable point given that over half of the 2.5 million individuals incarcerated in the U.S. are parents.

Example 4:

Before: The sociological imagination points to how what we are experiencing is connected to larger social patterns and contexts.

After: The sociological imagination shows how our experience connects to larger social patterns and contexts.

You may recognize these additional professorial writing habits: wheelspinning, apologizing, and excessive signposting. They work with an academic writing style, but clutter your sentences when you’re writing for a student audience.

Example 1:

Before: The practice of sociology is regarded in differing ways around the world and depending on societal circumstances, yielding varying opportunities in the workplace.

After: Sociologists study how workplace inclusion differs for people based on race, socioeconomic status, gender, and sexual orientation.

Example 2:

Before: There is not enough time or space to adequately address the complexity of this topic so we will, unfortunately, have to limit ourselves to…

After: This book focuses on X because…

Example 3:

Before: It is important to note that…

After: Cut – start the sentence after the word “that”!

Revising for Clarity

The examples below show how to put the sentence-level strategies from the previous section into practice. Each change on its own is a small move, but taken together they make the text much easier to read and understand for students.

Draft text #1

The concept of safety is one that is broad. As Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory and the First Nations perspectives show, safety is something that can be co-created in communities and something that an individual can experience. Safety is something that can be a goal of public policy – such as the passage of a law increasing funding for afterschool programs so that children have a safe and enriching place to go after school. Safety is something that can be provided by organizations – something we can see community organizations creating when they provide services to people leaving abusive relationships. Safety is something that can be created in relationships – for example, the intense love, trust, and connection that can be developed in a parent-child relationship. Finally, safety is something that an individual can feel – something we know that individuals can develop through positive childhood experiences and learning social and emotional skills.

Revision #1

Maslow’s theory and First Nations perspectives together [2] show us that safety can be co-created in communities and experienced individually. [1] Safety can be a goal of public policy, such as the passage of a law increasing funding for afterschool programs. [3] Organizations, such as services provided to people leaving abusive relationships, also create safety. In relationships, safety grows from the intense love, trust, and connection between child and parent. Finally, safety can be created by individuals and developed through positive childhood experiences and by learning social and emotional skills. [4]

Recommendations for revision #1

1. Topic sentences directly convey what the paragraph will be about.
2. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and the First Nations perspectives were introduced in the previous paragraph (not reproduced here). They can be referenced in a shortened form to avoid repetition, without loss of clarity.
3. Look for conjugations of the verb “to be” to make your sentences more direct. In this example, “is something that” can almost always be cut.
4. Avoid repeating the same word more than once in a sentence or starting several sentences in the same way. Variety keeps the reader on their toes.

Draft text #2

While safety is a need for individuals throughout the life course, childhood is a time where safety is even more important because of its role in children’s cognitive and emotional development. Families play a significant role in providing children with experiences that will help them grow up into happy, stable, and successful adults. When families and communities have a sense of safety and stability, they are more able to provide children with the protective childhood experiences needed. There are ten protective and compensatory childhood experiences that have been identified that help children in their development and promote resilience, even if they also have some adverse or traumatic childhood experiences.

1. A caregiver who loves them unconditionally
2. A best friend – someone to have fun with and who they can trust
3. Regular opportunities to help others, through volunteering or participation in other community projects
4. Being physically active and/or playing sports
5. Being active in a social group (church, scout group, community group) outside of sports
6. An engaging hobby i.e. arts and crafts, reading, debate team, playing a musical instrument
7. An adult who is not their parent that they can trust and turn to for advice
8. A home that is clean, safe, and where there is enough to eat
9. A school with the resources and academic experiences that children need to learn
10. A home with routines and fair, clear, and consistently enforced rules

The ability to provide children with these kinds of experiences is directly related to macro and micro factors associated with safety. At the macro level, these experiences can only exist if families have access to resources – such as food, money, access to quality schools, and time to engage in the community. At the micro level, these experiences are born out of healthy relationships and a sense of community – children knowing that they have people who care about them. If we want children to grow into resilient adults, then we need families and communities to have the support that they need so that they are able to provide children with needed resources and build strong relationships.

Revision #2

Individuals need safety [1] throughout the life course, but childhood is a time where safety is even more important because of its role in children’s cognitive and emotional development. Families provide children [2] with experiences that will help them grow up into happy, stable, and successful adults. When families and communities have a sense of safety and stability, they are more able to provide children with the protective childhood experiences needed. [3]

Psychologists have identified [1] ten protective and compensatory childhood experiences (PACEs) that help children in their development and promote resilience, even if they also have some adverse or traumatic childhood experiences. Here are 10 PACEs critical to healthy child development: [4]

1. A caregiver who loves them unconditionally
2. A best friend who they can trust and have fun with
3. An adult who is not their parent that they can trust and turn to for advice
4. Regular opportunities to help others, through volunteering or participation in other community projects
5. Physical activities and/or sports
6. Social groups, such as church, scout group, community groups
7. Hobbies, such as arts and crafts, reading, debate team, playing a musical instrument
8. A school with the resources and academic experiences that they need to learn
9. A home that is clean, safe, and where there is enough to eat
10. A home with routines and fair, clear, and consistently enforced rules

These experiences directly relate to macro and micro factors associated with safety. At the macro level, these experiences only exist if families have access to resources, such as food, money, access to quality schools, and time to engage in the community. At the micro level, these experiences develop from healthy relationships and a sense of community where children know they have people who care about them. If we want children to grow into resilient adults, we must support families and communities so they can provide children with needed resources and strong relationships.

Recommendations for Revision #2

1. Look for sentences that contain “is” and look for ways to rephrase to avoid an indirect or passive sentence structure. Examples: “While safety is a need for individuals” to “Individuals need safety;” “There are ten protective and compensatory childhood experiences that have been identified” to “Psychologists have identified…”
2. Look for strings of verbs, such as “families play a significant role in providing,” and aim for the simplest verb possible: “families provide.”
3. Begin a new paragraph with the introduction of a new concept.
4. When making a list, lead into it with a complete sentence followed by a colon, and make sure that each item in the list starts in the same way (either all verbs or all nouns).

Revising for Tone

The examples below show how two paragraphs – both of which would work perfectly well in an academic journal article – can be revised for a student audience. The recommendations offer advice on making complex concepts accessible to students.

Draft text #3

Routines, broadly defined, refer to ‘‘patterned behaviors that have instrumental goals’’ (Segal, 2004, p. 500) and may be a mixture of scheduled daily activities, such as shared mealtimes, that reconcile ‘‘the diverse schedules and projects of individuals so as to produce points of intersection’’ (DeVault,1991, p. 90). Routines and predictability can have positive effects for children, adolescents, and adults. In one of the systematic reviews on the topic, Boyce et al. (1983) found that family routines, or the predictable, repeated consistent patterns that characterize quotidian home life, as one of the fundamental “organizational units of ordinary life in families” (p.194), and are helpful in promoting health and wellbeing of the family members. Family routines can potentially be useful to foster emotional connectedness, efficiently complete family tasks, provide stability in times of change, and regulate family control (Harrist et al., 2019).

Revision #3

Routines, broadly defined, are repeated goal-focused behaviors. [1] Your routines may include a mixture of scheduled activities, such as shared mealtimes or a game of pickup basketball on the weekends. The purpose of these routines, other than to get something to eat or enjoy some exercise, is to bring together people with different schedules so they can interact and accomplish a task. [2]

Routines and predictability can have positive effects for children, adolescents, and adults. Family routines are the predictable, repeated consistent patterns that characterize everyday home life. As one of the fundamental structures of family life, research shows that these routines help to promote the health of the family members. [3] Family routines bring us closer together, help us get work done, bring stability to our lives, and manage the day-to-day challenges. [4]

Recommendations for revision #3

1. Paraphrase direct quotes into language that students are more likely to understand.
2. Break apart longer sentences (over 25 words) and longer paragraphs (over 150 words).
3. Minimize in-text citations to keep the focus on concepts rather than on the researchers and studies (unless the research and study is the focus of the section).
4. Provide multiple relatable examples.

Draft text #4

Routines in the home, such as bedtime routines and homework sessions, can have positive effects on children’s mental health, physical health, academic achievement, and delinquent behavior (e.g., Manczak, Williams, & Chen, 2017; Brody & Flor, 1997; Hair et al., 2008). Family routines can give children a sense of stability and security, in turn potentially decreasing anxiety (Dacey, Mack, & Fiore, 2016). Positive child adjustment across the transition to kindergarten can be facilitated by family routines (Ferretti & Bub, 2017). Home routines can be especially helpful for children from low SES households in countering some of the elevated risk for experiencing chaotic and unpredictable family environments (Evans et al., 2005). Among children with developmental or intellectual disabilities, those with well-established routines tend to be more resilient (Schaaf et al., 2011).

Revision #4

It may seem obvious to you that routines bring people together and create stability. You may have felt this first hand growing up with routines that brought comfort and security, like reading bedtime stories with a favorite stuffed animal, or the absence of routines.

One way to understand the nature of contemporary families, beyond your personal experience, is to analyze patterns of social behavior. [1] Recent research shows how routines affect outcomes for children: [2]

• Routines in the home, such as bedtime routines and homework sessions, can have positive effects on children’s mental health, physical health, academic achievement, and delinquent behavior.
• Family routines can give children a sense of stability and security, in turn potentially decreasing anxiety.
• Positive child adjustment across the transition to kindergarten can be facilitated by family routines.
• Home routines can be especially helpful for children from low SES households in countering some of the elevated risk for experiencing chaotic and unpredictable family environments.
• Among children with developmental or intellectual disabilities, those with well-established routines tend to be more resilient. [3]

Sociologists study family routines because it helps us understand ______. When we understand ______, we can do ________. Each new study moves us closer to understanding the complex nature of families and how we can change and improve these fundamental units of society. [4]

Recommendations for revision #4

1. Place the research in context by explaining why people do this kind of research and what it ultimately means.
2. Use bullet points to emphasize the individual outcomes when you have a list of more than three in a row.
3. The rich background research informing the draft text can become the basis for a spotlight or chapter closer inviting students to explore the academic literature of the discipline by reading an academic article (or abstract) on a topic that interests them.
4. Provide a conclusion that answers the “so what?” question.

Applying Inclusive Revision

The examples below demonstrate how to apply the principles of inclusive revision in practice.

The following excerpts come from openly licensed texts. Please note this content may include ideas and descriptions that are offensive or upsetting. The revisions show interventions that address the issues from the original texts, following the strategies of inclusive language that we introduced in Unit 7.

Example 1

Original: On August 9, 2014, Michael Brown, an African American male, was shot and killed by the police in Ferguson, Missouri.

Revision: On August 9, 2014, Michael Brown, an 18-year-old Black teenager [4] from Ferguson, Missouri, was killed after white [2] police officer Darren Wilson [3] shot him six times [1].

1. Specificity: The number of shots fired helps the reader understand the degree of violence in this police encounter.
2. Precision: Changing “African American” to “Black” reflects the current preferred term when discussing matters of race. The addition of the police officer’s race provides an essential detail that’s part of this encounter. “Male” and “female” are best reserved for non-human animals.
3. Accountability: Naming the police officer shows who is responsible for this action.
4. Humanity: Adding “18-year-old teenager” helps the reader understand who Brown was.

Example 2

Original: One long-standing explanation is that blacks and other people of color are biologically inferior: They are naturally less intelligent and have other innate flaws that keep them from getting a good education and otherwise doing what needs to be done to achieve the American Dream. As discussed earlier, this racist view is no longer common today. However, whites historically used this belief to justify slavery, lynching, the harsh treatment of Native Americans in the 1800s, and lesser forms of discrimination.

Revision: One long-standing explanation that has no scientific basis for why racial and ethnic inequalities exist [3] is that Black people [4] and other people of color are biologically inferior. This racist belief claims that some people are naturally less intelligent and capable than others [3]. The concept of the biological inferiority of other races is a central belief of white supremacy [2] and has been used historically to justify slavery, lynching, and systematic destruction of Indigenous peoples and their cultures [1].

1. Specificity: Make sure to fill in all the details, even if you think the subject or context is clear.
2. Precision: This revision has a more precise focus on White supremacy in order to avoid giving unintended legitimacy to the concept of biological inferiority.
3. Accountability: Call out theories and beliefs that are racist or not supported scientifically.
4. Humanity: Avoid using adjectives to describe people: “the poor,” “the homeless,” “the Blacks,” “the unvaccinated,” etc. This linguistic shortcut tends to reduce a group of people to a single characteristic.

Example 3

Original: In a multicultural society, one crucial question is: Are standardized tests biased against certain social classes or racial and ethnic groups? This question is much more complicated than it seems because bias, as we explored in Chapter 1, has a variety of meanings. An everyday meaning of bias often involves the fairness of using standardized test results to predict potential performance of disadvantaged students who have previously had few educational resources. For example, should Dwayne, a high school student who worked hard but had limited educational opportunities because of the poor schools in his neighborhood and few educational resources in his home, be denied graduation from high school because of his score on one test? It was not his fault that he did not have the educational resources and if given a chance with a change in his environment (e.g. by going to college) his performance may blossom. In this view, test scores reflect societal inequalities and can punish students who are less privileged and are often erroneously interpreted as a reflection of a fixed inherited capacity.

Revision: Dwayne, a Black [2] high school student, works hard to get good grades at his under-resourced school. At home, his mom works evenings and isn’t around to help with homework. During the COVID-19 pandemic, he attended class online but had to share the family’s computer and unreliable Wi-Fi with his eighth-grade sister. Now he’s about to take a skills test to determine whether he graduates. Should a single, high-stakes test decide Dwayne’s future? What do standardized tests really measure? [4]

Recent research has shown that test scores – and even the questions they ask – reflect socioeconomic inequalities (Nielsen, 2019) [3]. These tests and the interpretation of their results disproportionately and negatively impact students who come from low-income communities and racial or ethnic minority groups. In a multicultural society, we as criminology students [1] must ask: How do biased standardized tests, both in the schools and in our field, impact certain social classes or racial and ethnic groups? This question is much more complicated than it seems because bias, as we explored in Chapter 1, shows up in a variety of ways.

1. Specificity: Whenever you use “we,” be specific about who is included in that group. This level of specificity helps students see themselves as part of the in-group that can instigate change. Avoid the “editorial we” [Website] when referring to general groups of people.
2. Precision: The focus of this section is on racial bias in standardized testing, yet the original doesn’t mention Dwayne’s race at all. This is a relevant and essential detail.
3. Accountability: Citing your sources and showing where ideas come from is one way of demonstrating accountability.
4. Humanity: The revision breaks up this long paragraph into two shorter paragraphs for readability and leads with a personal example that humanizes the topic. The passage now begins with the specific and moves to the general, which guides students from known and familiar experiences to new information.

Example 4

Original: The fear that there would be a slave revolt was the main reason the death penalty was imposed with the belief that it would be a deterrence for Blacks who weren’t murdering whites but possibly destroying commodities or goods and also slaves who may have thought of running away or attacking a white in any manner.

Revision: White enslavers [3] feared that the people they held as slaves [4] would revolt in order to gain freedom [1]. Law enforcement [3] used the threat of the death penalty to deter Black people from fighting back or destroying goods in protest [2].

1. Specificity: Why did enslaved people revolt? Specificity makes sure students see the entire picture.
2. Precision: The original sentence is long and complex. Shorter sentences can be more precise.
3. Accountability: Use active voice to make it clear who is doing what in each sentence. This is an important strategy for holding people accountable for their actions.
4. Humanity: Especially when writing about slavery, take a people-first approach.

How Do I Find the Right Words?

One way we can understand the importance of word choice in our textbooks is to think about power. Power dynamics underpin systems of oppression, privilege, white supremacy, and structural racism, and the common thread that weaves these topics together are the words that have been used to justify these systems and enforce the marginalization of certain groups. Language use isn’t about performing political correctness. It’s about thinking critically and reflecting on how our word choice can cause harm or show empathy.

So what are the “right” words to use when revising with an equity lens? Unfortunately, there’s no simple answer to that question. It may be frustrating to realize that the “right” words frequently change because our understanding of our individual and shared identities is always evolving. Sometimes it’s even necessary to include words that are generally accepted as offensive.

In other cases, a string of perfectly acceptable words can result in writing that perpetuates harmful power imbalances. Take a look at the two textbook passages below, both from commercial textbook publishers, along with our analysis of one big problem with each passage (yikes!).

This is why there is more to word choice than simply finding the “right” words. It’s about creating a context for your audience. When you include words that connect to debates about power, include the reader in your decision-making process by being transparent about why you made the language choice you did. Consider how author Anne Nichol framed her choice to use the phrase “mental disorders” in the title of her book Mental Disorders and the Criminal Justice System [Website]:

Acceptable words used to talk about mental illness and disability have changed over time, both in our everyday language and in the language of the law. For example, several years ago, relevant Oregon law replaced the jarring phrase mental disease or defect — still used in most state laws — with qualifying mental disorder.

Is mental disorder still an imperfect choice? Perhaps. However, we are using it in the title of our text and throughout the book as an umbrella term for several reasons…

Anne goes on to offer three reasons why the term “mental disorder” is the most accurate choice among several alternatives. She also invites feedback from readers.

Licenses and Attributions for Revising Your Chapter for a Student Audience

Open content, original

“Revising Your Chapter for a Student Audience” by Open Oregon Educational Resources is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0.

Open content, shared previously

“Revising Your Chapter for a Student Audience” is adapted from “Textbook Principles for Revision” by Stephanie Lenox for Chemeketa Press, licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0.

“Inclusive Style Activity” is adapted from “Doing the Work: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in Open Educational Resources Apply and Submit Activities for Submission” by Stephanie Lenox and Abbey Gaterud for Open Oregon Educational Resources and is licensed CC BY 4.0.

“Applying Inclusive Revision” is adapted from “Applying Inclusive Language” by Stephanie Lenox, in Doing the Work: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion in Open Educational Resources, licensed under CC BY 4.0.

Quotation about the term “mental disorders” is from Mental Disorders and the Criminal Justice System by Anne Nichol, licensed under CC BY NC 4.0.