Social role theory proposes that social structure is the underlying force behind gender differences and that the division of labor between two sexes within a society motivates the differences in their respective behavior. Division of labor creates gender roles, which in turn, leads to gender-specific social behavior. We can see this in parenting both in two-parent heterosexual families, single-parent families, and in same-sex parenting units.

6.7.1 Gendered Roles and Expectations

The gendered roles and expectations of parents not surprisingly follow all the previous conversations of gender where there are clearly expected roles based on the construction of gender and typically on a binary division.  Traditional parenting is viewed as a two-parent heterosexual household. This traditional situation has led to significant research involving the gendered roles incorporated within childrearing in the context of two-parent heterosexual couples (Chesley 2011; Dufur et al. 2010). Mothering has traditionally involved providing daily necessities, routines, care, and nurturing whereas the traditional fathering role has provided more of the economic, playful, and disciplinary aspects of parenting (Dufur et al. 2010). The social roles of men are also influenced by the impact of hegemonic masculinity. So when we think about fathers and mothers in heterosexual families, we imagine the gendered roles and activities as TV illustrates them. Moms cook, clean, and do child care; dads play sports with the kids, fix things, and mow the laws. But the reality is so much different, especially with most parents working outside the home.

Parenting and parental responsibilities are all-encompassing terms that refer to involvement with and overseeing children’s lives and daily care, including discipline, nurturing, teaching, and instilling values and solid belief systems. This role also includes managing the general household responsibilities and duties that coincide with child-rearing.

Work and family balance is a long-standing struggle for all parents and has been shown to create guilt, stressors, anxiety, and increased time constraints. Some families attempt to balance this by adjusting work schedules so one parent can be home most of the time, which helps alleviate childcare costs. With a parent at home, there is familial influence and direct interaction with the child(ren) and they are not in a childcare situation. On the other hand, this means the family is regularly divided, and parental engagement in this situation actually decreases. Certainly, time together as a couple decreases (Coltart and Henwood 2012). In dual-parent families, mothers may feel more stress and burden from child-rearing than fathers due to the unequal division of labor and child care (Riina and Feinberg 2012). We will explore mothering and fathering in depth below.

6.7.2 Mothering

One of the highly gendered associations with parenting is the expectation for mothers to raise their children in highly attached manners. This has been referred to as “intensive mothering” first developed and named by Hays (1998). This is associated with the social pressure on mothers to parent in excessively time-consuming and overly personally demanding manners. This includes sacrificing oneself, time, energy, and resources constantly and continuously to this role of mother and creating excessive demands and unrealistic obligations upon them. As with many concepts, intensive mothering is socially constructed and includes an expectation or reaffirmation that mothers be passive and subordinate to their families.

Figure 6.16 A mother working with her child in a kitchen at work.

This gendered norm is prevalent in the “second shift”—the household labor generally assumed by women after paid labor. This includes child-rearing, cooking, and cleaning. This applies specifically to mothers taking on more household responsibilities than their fathering counterparts. There is a large body of research that looks at the ideas of intensive mothering, and studies have shown that this most greatly impacts low-income women as they are expected to not only be full-time attentive mothers but must also work full-time to support their children. This double standard most negatively impacts women of color, as they are much more likely to live in low-income areas as well as much more likely to raise children alone. This dichotomy means they can’t win either at mothering or in their careers.

6.7.2.1 SAHM (Stay at Home Mom) v Working moms

The work/family conflict not only includes the time and energy that one can spend with their children, but also adds issues of the cost of childcare and conflicting hours of availability as the hours spent working can not always match with hours of available care. We also see that the ability to attend school events, taking children to doctors and dentist appointments fall more often on mothers and those time conflicts take away from work hours.

Women are supposed to sacrifice their careers and attend to child rearing first and foremost, which is discussed in depth in Chapter 8 on work and gender. Their values and desires are  in flux and question on how to balance career/income with child rearing. So working moms face a series of challenges and social pressures to fulfill two contradictory roles.

On the flip side we have stay at home moms (SAHM) who have either chosen to stay home or have stayed home out of necessity to raise their children. Those who have chosen to stay home just to support their children and home tend to have more financial stability and higher education, meaning that the decision isn’t wholly based on financial needs. Other reasons are the cost of childcare being similar or more to the mothers wages that she could earn, therefore making it a financial decision when children are younger.

6.7.3 Fathering

Although it is often suggested that fathers are less engaged and involved with child-rearing, it has also been expressed that they would like to be more active participants in the rearing and nurturing of their children. The “gendered roles” of parenting did not hamper their ability to balance their children’s emotional and physical needs (Coles 2002, 2009).

Fathers are more likely to adopt authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles—meaning more strict rules and schedules—and at the same time, were less involved in their children’s lives and personal interests (Bronte-Tinkew et al 2010). However, the involvement and participation of fathers in home life has increased lately. Increased time spent engaged and involved with their children has also been linked to more successful outcomes, parent efficacy, and more positive attitudes for fathers (Riina and Feinberg 2012).

Gerstel and Shows’ (2009) research on class and gender found that EMT fathers (from working-class families) were more likely to assist within the division of household labor and participate more in traditional daily care roles of children as well as specialized involvement. Physician fathers, from a higher class status, were less likely to provide daily care roles, but more likely to participate in specialized engagement and activities such as sporting and school events. In this case, it is suggested that fathering is closely linked to class status and how this influences traditional gender roles in these situations is significant. Lower-income fathers seemed to provide more daily care in a manner suggestive of altering the traditional masculine gender roles to fulfill more daily parental duties (Shows and Gerstel 2009). This research is one example of how class status can influence parenting experiences.

Figure 6.17. Father and son talking, single fathers tend to “adopt” more traditional mothering roles, while also maintaining their masculinity.

Single fathers who have equal or more parenting time with their children tend to both uphold and at the same time break the norms of gendered parenting based on hegemonic masculinity. Research showed that single fathers were more likely to take on traditional mothering roles (as seen in Figure 6.17)  and consider this more of “just their job” (Esbensen, 2014). In many ways, they felt they needed to take on the mothering and fathering roles in nurturing their children as their primary caregivers.

6.7.3.1 SAHD (Stay at Home Dad) v. Working Dads

Stay-at-home fathers are much less common than stay-at-home mothers, but they are an increasing population. Research shows this is not only due to economic factors of saving money, job loss, or who in the family makes more money but also by choice (PEW, 2018). Their decisions to stay home to care for their home and family could be related to shifts or flexibility in gender roles. Younger fathers are more likely to stay home than older fathers, which matches with loosening and redefined gender roles among Millennials than other generations.

Fathers who can choose to stay home, like stay-at-home moms (SAHMs), tend to have higher education and more financial stability, meaning they do not have to have a second income to support their families. Some families must decide how to balance the cost of childcare when their available resources do not match their caregiving needs. Unsurprisingly, a father’s income tends to be higher. In this case, the weight of gender falls not specifically on the norms of parenting roles but more on the influence that gender norms have on the workforce, which we’ll further explore in Chapter 8.

6.7.3.2 Black and Brown Father Stereotypes versus Reality

There is a common myth that we see in the media and society that Black and Brown fathers leave their children and tend to be less active participants in their lives. Research shows that women of color are more likely to be single parents, but does that mean that men of color are absentee parents? Roberta Coles extensively researched black fathers over the last two decades beginning with single Black fathers and, in 2009, looking more broadly at fathers of color. She found that even though more mothers of color were unwed, that did not necessarily mean the fathers were not in the picture.

Coles’ research found that many fathers were involved through visitation, cohabitation, caretaking, and financial support. Contrary to the portrayal of fathers of color within media and politics, many of them want to be involved in their children’s lives, and many are active parents.

6.7.4 LGBTQIA+ and Queer Parenting

A large portion of social discussions around LGBTQIA+ parenting is based on myths associated with same-sex parenting and the experiences of children raised by same-sex parents. These have negatively influenced the decisions of LGBTQIA+ parents and legal and social service professionals. These myths include concerns that children raised by same-sex parents or in LGBTQIA+ households will experience disruptions in their gender identity development or in their gender role behaviors or that they will become gay or lesbian. Other myths suggest these children will have more mental health and behavioral problems; will experience problems in their social relationships and experience more stigmatization, teasing, and bullying; and are more likely to be sexually abused by their parents or parents’ friends. Research has soundly refuted all these myths.

The psychologist Charlotte Patterson conducted research debunking the negative myths about same-sex parenting. Her research explores the behavioral adjustment, self-concepts, and sex role behaviors of children raised in same-sex households. She concludes that “more than two decades of research has failed to reveal important differences in the adjustment or development of children or adolescents reared by same-sex couples compared to those reared by other-sex couples.” (Patterson 2006, 2011) She points out that the quality of family relationships is the most important predictor of healthy child development.

A review exploring same-sex parenting found that, across twenty-three studies, the most common myths were simply not true. These myths include impaired emotional functioning, greater likelihood of a homosexual sexual orientation, greater stigmatization by peers, nonconforming-gender role behavior and identity, and poor behavioral adjustment. Children raised by lesbian moms and gay dads were no more likely to experience negative outcomes than children raised by heterosexual parents (Andersen, Amile, & Ytteroy, 2002).

Both the myths about LGBTQIA+ parents and their children and the research refuting the myths have found their way into the family courts. Prejudicial attitudes and stereotypes describing unfit lesbian moms and irresponsible gay dads have historically been used in custody cases to justify punitive court decisions. Research establishing the fitness of LGBTQIA+ parents has been influential in custody cases, and Patterson herself served as an expert witness in numerous custody and other court cases (Patterson, 2017).  LGBTQIA+ families’ lives are shaped by the powerful social forces of heterosexism and cissexism. These forces can influence policy and law, including family court cases, so there is a continuing need for unbiased and scientifically rigorous studies on LGBTQIA+ family formation and the developmental and social outcomes for children in these families.

Family and adoption rights are one way that LGBTQIA+ parents are discriminated against if they have biological children, want to adopt, or want access to infertility treatment. Only five states actively ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity for foster and adoptive parents. An additional three states ban discrimination based on sexual orientation, and ten states have laws that allow discrimination against LGBTQIA+ prospective foster parents. Most states are largely silent on the topic, opening up a range of treatment toward same-sex adopting families, from active discrimination based on the law to indifference (Movement Advancement Project, 2019). Little change has been made to recognize same-sex parents despite the overwhelming evidence that being raised in an LGBTQIA+ family is not inherently harmful or destructive to the children (Goldberg, 2010; Golombok & Badger, 2010; Pawelski et al, 2006).[53]

Numerous studies have, however, documented the health and stress impacts of unequal laws on families that are headed by same-sex couples. For instance, should a child fall ill, a parent not legally recognized may be excluded from making medical decisions or may be separated from their child during an emergency because they are not recognized by medical staff as a parent or guardian. Unnecessary legal hurdles and societal discrimination against same-sex households appear to be the root of stress, not the LGBTQIA+ parents themselves (Perrin and Siegel, 2013.[54]

Same-sex couples report navigating many legal challenges depending on how the couple structures their family life. Interviews with fifty-one LGBTQIA+ parents in California found that the law affected their lives and decisions in three dominant arenas: (1) how to have children, (2) where to live, and (3) how their family was (or wasn’t) recognized (Park, Kazyak, & Slauson-Blevins, 2016).[55] Although some legal protections exist nationally, legal protections for LGBTQIA+ families vary widely by state, highlighting the need to carefully consider how to best protect one’s family.

LGBTQIA+ polyamorous couples who wish to have their entire family recognized and legally protected face numerous challenges, the biggest being that in almost all states and countries you may designate only one spouse in a legal marriage. These designations often mean that polyamorous couples cannot obtain health insurance for all their spouses or partners (Johnson).[56]

6.7.4.1 Transgender Pregnancy and Parenting

Transgender pregnancy and parenting are much more visible now due to social platforms and social movements of support. Unfortunately, this increased visibility has received backlash from groups attempting to limit rights and healthcare access for trans individuals. There is much less research on trans pregnancy and parenting than on other LGBTQIA+ groups. Still, they tend to follow similar findings that are comparable to cisgender parents in outcomes based on medical health assessments and mental health measurements. Trans parents and their children have similar familial outcomes to cisgender families in that children are cared for, loved, educated, and well-adjusted. Other research shows that children who are able to understand and are exposed to gender identity acceptance and allowed to explore their own are more accepting of others and secure in their own identities.

Transmen can struggle during pregnancy with stigma related to their condition, healthcare access, and gender dysphoria. They experience barriers to supportive and gender-affirming pre-natal care and birthing care, on top of the discrimination and danger of social responses as a transman that is clearly pregnant (Besse, Lampe, and Mann, 2020) Chapter 9 on Healthcare has more in-depth information.

Figure 6.18. A transgendered man getting an OBGYN annual exam – healthcare barriers and stigma can significantly impact trans individuals.