Relationships often start with meeting or actively looking for a partner, but this process has a highly gendered structure. In this section, we will look at the double standards, the power inequalities, and the norms in dating and sex, including sex education and the impact of social institutions.

6.2.1 Dating

In the early 1960’s, if you were of marrying age, you’d most likely select a mate based on how your parents felt about them, how healthy the person was, how good or moral their character appeared to be, and the stability of their economic resources. Are these still our primary considerations? How do we meet potential partners? What role does sex play? Sociologists consider these types of questions when studying dating and other forms of mate selection.

Dating developed in the 20th century as a practice where people meet and participate in activities together to learn more about one another. Before dating, courting was common in the United States. Courting, which involved strict rules and customs, evolved into dating due to the widespread use of the automobile, which enabled young people to have more freedom. After the industrial revolution, with the change from farming to factory work, love— rather than necessity—became the basis for most relationships. Today, dating is more casual than ever, taking many forms (couple, group, online, etc.). Notably, we tend to engage in assortative mating, the process of filtering, sorting into a yes or no/interested or not interested categories and eventually choosing mates that are more like us.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average man in the United States is five feet ten inches tall and weighs about 177 pounds. The average woman is about five feet four inches tall and weighs about 144 pounds. Did you just compare yourself to these standards? Most of us compare ourselves to averages or to others we know. That’s how we come to define our personal level of attractiveness. This is important to understand because, as we subjectively judge ourselves as more or less attractive, we tend to limit our mating and dating pool to those we think are in our same category of beauty.

The social aspects of assortative mating include culture, ethnicity, religion, education, and class or socioeconomic status. Education level has become an increasingly assortative factor within union formations in the United States, with many individuals of similar educational backgrounds forging partnerships. Because class is closely associated with higher education, this pattern also trends with socioeconomic status. Millennials (or Gen Y) and members of Gen Z (or iGen) are coping with the increased importance of education and college costs/student debt. How this affects their coupling, union formation, and family patterns remains to be seen. However, it is likely to both decrease the likelihood of marriage and increase the average age at first marriage.

How we choose mates is also influenced by our family experiences, values, and expectations. It is common for adults to guide children into relationship patterns. Parents often ask their thirteen-year-old if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, assuming their desired future partnership. Or perhaps parents play wedding with their five-year-old, promoting legalized monogamy. Additionally, our family of birth or origin impacts how we orient ourselves to particular family themes, identity images, and myths that further delineate and define who is seen as an appropriate intimate partner.

6.2.2 Erotic Marketplace: Online Dating and the Intersection of Gender, Race, and Sexuality

Online dating is a normal and accessible tool for many. How does the erotic marketplace—online dating and hookups—intersect with gender, race, and sexuality? One way is through the prevalence of sexual harassment and fear of assault when meeting in person. Many females and non-binary individuals have received unwanted sexually explicit photos sent to them through dating sites and other social media. Men also receive unwanted sexually explicit photos or conversations. Still, the social norms are gendered, so women fear assault at higher rates and therefore take their safety into account when meeting up with relative strangers. Women are twice as likely to say they are concerned about their physical and emotional risks in dating (Nadeem, 2020).

It’s important to look at the intersection of race in the online dating space. Historically, women of color have been oversexualized and eroticized, which bleeds into online platforms in multiple ways. Think of characters in media or how people of color are portrayed in advertisements and numerous other shows or videos as well as historically as shown in Figure 6.2. One way we see this intersectionality is through comments like “I’m just not into -insert racial identity-” but you don’t hear “I’m just not into White people” as commonly. This stems from internalized racism, systemic ideals, and stereotypes such as idealized beauty standards.

Figure 6.2 Sara “Saartiji” Baartman – unknowingly signed a contract to ‘sell’ and sexualize her body based on her large buttocks. A magazine photo from Moschino with a woman of color.

Transphobia also exists in dating, with some people commenting, “I won’t ever date a trans person.” This sort of statement is transphobic. If you decide not to date anyone because you do not find them attractive, your interests don’t match, you have different beliefs, or it just doesn’t click, then that’s normal. However, ruling out someone because they’re transgender is problematic. The idea of sexual identity in relation to trans people also comes up in online dating. We could consider a situation such as if you are a lesbian and someone is openly a transman and you find yourself attracted to them. This then calls into question your sexuality and attraction/willingness to date someone who is not a woman. Some traditionally straight people view this the same way, if you are a cis woman and then date a trans man sometimes this is confusing to them about their sexuality, as that person was assigned female at birth. This conversation is had in some circles, but it is important to understand that a transman is a man, and a transwoman is a woman, the more we broadly understand and accept that, the safer and more accepting the world of dating and broader society will be for all.

Online dating has exploded over the last two decades. OkCupid was founded in 2004. Then came Tinder which was more of a hookup app than a dating app when it first hit the online marketplace. Now, we see dozens of apps for all sorts of things, including sexuality, sexual fetish, lifestyle, etc. Younger people are more likely to participate in and meet a partner online, across the board, based on the online spaces that younger generations exist in. OkCupid still exists, but apps for queer women, gay men, trans people, Black people, religiously affiliated, and kink are also circulating. Apps like Bumble put the “power” of safety in the hands of women to have more control over messaging within the app.

Many LGBTQIA+ people report harassment and hate on the more “traditional” dating sites. Apps like Her, Lex, and Grindr are made specifically for lesbian, gay, trans, non-binary, and queer people in hopes of creating a safe and accepting space that may not be available in other platforms. The percentage of LGBTQIA+ couples who have met online is higher than other sexuality groups. Some evidence suggests that this is due to safety and knowing the other person’s level of attraction, whereas there is no surefire way to know how someone in other public situations identifies. Assuming someone is LGBTQIA+ or “hitting” on someone who is heterosexual can potentially be very dangerous.

6.2.3 Sex and Socialization

Sex is often viewed as an important rite of passage into adulthood. Sex is also pleasurable, reinforces our gendered statuses and roles, and creates connections between people. Although many times it is a taboo subject, it is important to talk about and look at the way that sex is gendered, intersectionality issues with sex, and other social problems associated with sex.

6.2.3.1 Symbolic Interaction – Sexual Scripts

Sociologists who study sex are quite interested in sexual scripts. A script is what actors read or study to guide their behavior in certain roles. It is a blueprint for what they “should do” in that part. Similarly, a sexual script is a socially-constructed blueprint for sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and the sexual component of our own self-definitions of who we are. We are not born with sexual scripts in place. They are developed through a process of sexual socialization, wherein we learn how, when, where, with whom, why, and what motivates us as sexual beings. Sexual scripts, once learned, will shape how we answer our biological drives. Many of us learn our sexual scripts passively, from synthesizing concepts, images, ideals, and—sometimes—misconceptions. For example, the commonly-held belief that men and women are opposite creatures certainly impacts sexual scripts, as do religious messages, the presence/absence of health education, and the consumption of pornography.

Sociological research has found that many sexual scripts depend on problematic assumptions like

• men should be in charge of sex
• women should not enjoy sex or express their desire for it
• men are more sexual than women
• all sex leads to orgasm

These assumptions are unrealistic, unhealthy, and undermine intimacy between sexual partners. More positive sexual scripts encourage sexual partners to take ownership of their sexual experiences; communicate openly and honestly about their feelings; and learn to meet one another’s desires, needs, and wishes while ensuring their own desires and needs are also met.

Learning the rules of sexuality begins at birth and follows us throughout our lives. Sexualization starts in infancy with high heels, bikinis, and sexually explicit shirts for female babies. We see it everywhere and may not realize it for many years, if ever. The “rules” around sexuality typically follow the rules of gendered ideals in the United States, such as the expectation that girls are submissive. In published research on pornography (Rostad, 2019, Guggisberg, 2020), there are very common themes around those sexual and gender scripts. Sexual violence is seen as a sexual script and rule. We will discuss this later in the chapter when we look at violence and assault.

6.2.3.2 Orgasm Gap

The orgasm gap is the difference between male-reported orgasms and female-reported orgasms. Based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior from 2018, 91 percent of men reported they had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. Yet, only 64 percent of women reported an orgasm at their most recent sexual event, as you see in figure 6.3 Men of the three different sexual identities are more likely to orgasm and moreso in heterosexual relationships. What drives this difference in sexual pleasure? The social factors at play include double standards, sexual norms, scripts, and social pressures.

Figure 6.3 Graph of orgasm statistics for Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Homosexual individuals

The double standard relates to women’s willing participation in and enjoyment of sexual acts. They should desire sex but not appear too willing. Women should also “fulfill” the desires of their sexual partners with minimal focus on their own pleasures. Sex is for men to enjoy and women to participate in for their partner’s pleasure. The sexual scripts enacted in modern society insist that women should focus on pleasing a man, and men are trained not to focus on pleasing their partner.

How does this play into LGBTQIA+ relationships? Are the same norms perpetuated in these relationships in the same way? Research shows that heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex (95 percent), and also gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), and lesbian women (86 percent) stated high rates of orgasm while being sexually intimate. Bisexual women and heterosexual women fall short with 66 percent and 65 percent, respectively.

Women who orgasm more in intimate relations:

•  receive more oral sex
• longer sexual sessions
• are more satisfied within the relationship
• speak up about what they want
• include more elements of intimacy (kissing, build-up, manual stimulation, etc.) (Frederick, John, Garcia, and Lloyd, 2018).
• The heterosexual and gender norms of society can explain these discrepancies between orgasms and sexual activities.

6.2.3.3 Hookup Culture

Hookup culture is defined as individuals “hooking up” for sexual relations outside of relationships. Most hookup culture research centers on college campuses or college-aged individuals. This research shows a perpetuation of a double standard for men and women, specifically in how society restricts women’s sexuality. These norms are policed and enforced by both men and women (Armstrong, Hamilton, England, 2010; Kettrey, 2016, Cera, Ford, and England, 2017). Hookup culture also encourages boys and men to be more sexually active and aggressive. Does this happen in other areas outside of college?

Hookup culture is significantly gendered in three distinct ways. Women report less physical pleasure from hookups than men do, hookup enjoyment favors men. Men are also more prone to initiate hookups and interactions leading to hookups. After sexual encounters, men are praised for their actions and for “scoring” and women are often criticized and labeled negatively by peers and society. However, if women turn down advances they are often labeled as a “prude” or a “bitch” for saying no to advances.

6.2.4 Virginity and Abstinence Culture Along Gender Lines

Women are subject to double standards within religious communities, as they either have to choose virginity, or be seen as impure. This traces back to religious stories of purification and the Virgin Mary. Some who study this subject state that the Virgin Mary has been used to control and repress women while celebrating the passive and obedient qualities Mary represents, as well as being a tool of the patriarchy (Lee, 2019)  You can read more here in this article How the cult of Virgin Mary turned a symbol of female authority into a tool of patriarchy.

Women only being given these two choices leads to confusion around sex and consent. It also leads to a lack of healthy female sexuality, where women feel empowered to explore and control their sexual experiences. Women are led to believe that men control sex, which feeds into rape culture where they don’t feel empowered to take the lead or say no. Rape Culture refers to an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.

Figure 6.4 Virgin Mary depicted in a stained glass window by Sir Ninian Comper in Downside Abbey church

6.2.5 Consent

Mutual approval and permission in sex and dating is of utmost importance. Consent is the notion that all parties agree on the act, actions, or events that will take place. It requires respect and communication, which allows people to express their desires or hesitations. Every person has their own set of boundaries, and the ability to express them is important. If someone asks to borrow your cell phone, are you comfortable letting them make a call, or is that crossing a boundary? If someone wants to kiss you and you don’t want to kiss them, saying no may feel uncomfortable, or you may not want to upset them. Learning how to say no to unwanted physical contact or violation of your boundaries is an important life skill. Here is a video about establishing healthy boundaries, using tea as a metaphor for sexual consent.

Figure 6.5 – film on Tea and Consent, you can say no and you can change your mind.

In sexual encounters, both partners must fully agree on kissing, touching, intercourse of any sort, or oral, anal, or vaginal sexual acts. Fully agreeing means a clear and absolute “yes,” with no room for confusion. People’s boundaries can change within the moment and over time. Simply because someone agreed to a sexual act one time doesn’t mean they consent to future acts. Consent has to happen every single time with every single act. This is the basis for a healthy and happy sexual relationship. Consent is the foundational right for each individual to choose what happens to their body, when it happens, and where it happens, and it is never someone else’s place to decide for them.

Many times rape and sexual assault occur because of intoxication, either through drugs or alcohol. A person under the influence might flirt; therefore, the non-intoxicated individual assumes they want to move forward with sexual acts. If a person cannot clearly say “yes,” it should be a no, without question, and no sexual acts should occur.